If Beev is cooking, go pick your gravestone

I am th579211_10151522120531411_487521630_n (2)e world’s worst cook. Do not think I am kidding when I say that. I am, after all, the girl famous for making buns that tasted of perfume (even though there was no perfume present and only standard bun type ingredients had been used). I also once called my sister at university to ask her how to make mashed potato, accidentally fed a vegetarian friend with bacon and have on several occasions forgotten to turn the oven on to cook my pizza. Five star cuisine to me is nuking a ready meal in my microwave, and sometimes I have even managed to mess that up. Seriously, I have considered death by my cooking to be an acceptable form of murder in one of my future books.

Luckily I have more satisfying results when blending ingredients for a story, which is pretty fortunate for you guys, as I wouldn’t want my books giving you food poisoning, and for my very first blog I am going to share with you my recipe for creating a good novel.

Firstly, I take the seeds of an idea. This can come from anything, a song I have just heard, a scene I have just witnessed, something I have just read in the news or an idea that has just popped into my head whilst sitting on the loo. (Yes, perhaps I should be ashamed to admit that I have occasionally had really good ideas while peeing). I throw those seeds into a pan; add a little thought processing oil, stir them for a bit as they cook, then chop up some characters. Now the characters have to taste good or they will ruin the final result. They have to be colourful and full of flavour and I will let them ripen for a while before throwing them into the mix. Once they are in, I season the pan with some twists and turns, add in a generous splash of red wine – just because it’s red wine and should be added to everything – then let everything simmer and the concoction develop its own taste.

Voila! We are done and hopefully I have created a satisfyingly tasty novel. Now Chef Keri suggests that you give her dinners a wide berth and focus on the books instead. If you are feeling peckish then check out the fantastic Dead Letter Day cupcakes my friend, Ness, made to celebrate the book’s launch. You will be pleased to know that I did not have a hand in baking them.